Pierre Poilievre Saves Alberta From Itself — By Moving There

The nation can breathe a sigh of relief: Pierre Poilievre will singlehandedly save Alberta from separating by moving to the province and getting himself elected in a by-election. Not content to merely campaign from Ottawa, Mr. Poilievre has bravely parachuted into Alberta to rescue it from its own self-destructive sovereignty fantasies.

Pierre Poilievre sporting a plastic sheriff’s badge while riding a horse in the Calgary Stampede. Image Facebook.

For months, we’ve heard Danielle Smith and her acolytes railing about Ottawa stealing Alberta’s lunch money, threatening to pull the plug on Confederation and take their oil elsewhere. Wexit billboards. Prairie populism. Legal scribbles declaring Alberta’s sovereignty “within Canada” but with a wink and a nudge. The whole thing was starting to feel inevitable.

Enter Pierre: Alberta’s new favourite son. Or, at least, its new tenant.

Because really, how could the Leader of His Majesty’s Loyal Opposition — the man vying to be Prime Minister of Canada — possibly go on living in a different country, the Republic of Alberta? Better to annex himself to Alberta and, by extension, keep it annexed to Canada. Problem solved.

By running in Alberta, Poilievre sends a powerful message: “If you’re thinking of leaving, don’t bother — I already moved in.” Forget the Clarity Act, referenda, or constitutional law. Sovereignty was neutralized with a campaign sign, a handshake, and a fresh lease in Camrose. Some leaders broker peace treaties, others hold summits. Poilievre packs boxes and signs a rental agreement.

Critics might point out that a man running to govern all of Canada might consider actually living somewhere central — you know, like Ottawa, where Parliament inconveniently sits — but that’s small thinking. Poilievre’s move ensures that if Alberta does secede, he can just call it home and pretend nothing’s changed. “Canada is wherever I am,” he can declare, while watching Ottawa sink into irrelevance from his Camrose condo, with an assortment of cowboy hats and plastic sheriff badges.

It’s brilliant, really. The man who’s been yelling about taking back Canada has finally figured out how: take it back one riding at a time, starting with the province most likely to leave.

So, Alberta, sleep easy. Pierre is here now. He’s not just running for prime minister of Canada — he’s running for premier of your hearts. And thanks to his timely arrival, you can stay Canadian without even having to like it.

And to the rest of Canada, don’t worry. He can’t live in two countries at once.

Or can he?