Does Alberta's Education Minister Need an Education?
Dated at July 4, Alberta Calgary, 2025: A Proud New Era of Geography and Grammar Education
In a triumphant step forward for education in Alberta, the Minister of Edumystification and Gatekeeping has boldly signed a ministerial order to ban “explicit sexual content” in school libraries — and, in doing so, reminded us all just how desperately we need better literacy and social studies classes.
Because the order itself is not merely a moral crusade against books about queer kids and consent — no, it is also a stunning testament to what happens when we cut funding to education for too long.
At the bottom of the historic document, the Minister has signed it:
“Dated at July 4, Alberta Calgary, 2025.”
A beautiful phrase. Haunting, even.
We’re not entirely sure where July 4, Alberta, Calgary is located. Perhaps it’s a small prairie town that blooms only on Independence Day? Perhaps it exists in the Minister’s imagination, a place where censorship is freedom, ignorance is protection, and no one has to open a map or consult a calendar.
It’s fitting, really, that an order meant to protect children from the horrors of knowledge would itself be written by someone apparently unburdened by knowledge of how dates or locations work.
Has Alberta seceded from Canada entirely and entered a dimension where syntax is optional?
We may never know. But what we do know is that this is now an official government document, preserved forever in the archives of the King’s Printer — a monument to the poetic possibilities of prepositions and misplaced modifiers.
Of course, one could argue this is just a typo. But in the same way this Minister claims to care about protecting kids while leaving the Bible untouched, the real lesson here is: don’t let facts or precision get in the way of your moral panic.
If you’re going to ban books, you might as well ban atlases and grammar handbooks too — they would only confuse the poor children when they look up “July 4, Alberta, Calgary” and realize it isn’t on any map.
It’s ironic. A Minister signs orders to defend children from “bad words,” while creating whole new bad sentences. A leader who teaches us all that geography is just a suggestion and dates are just vibes.
So here’s to July 4, Alberta Calgary, 2025 — may it live forever in our hearts, and may it one day get a library of its own (if the books are clean enough).
Where do we register for the book burning? This government seems hell bent on self destruction. (I was going to say self flatulation but didn’t want to have this reply banned)
Well done, Wilbur. The man deserves to be pilloried, but you have simply, gently pointed out that he can’t even manage a simple date, location and signature. It’s very funny without being cruel. I hope someday I get to see the little prairie town of July 4, in Alberta. Thanks for illuminating his initiative as the complete and utter absurdity that it is.